I've never seen anything even remotely like those crimes of fashion at any Walmart where I have shopped. I've seen people in flannel pajamas, or skinny dudes in wife beaters with low rider pants that show their underwear, but you can see any of that at any grocery store. It is certainly not more prevalent at Walmart than anywhere else. That was of course until today.
The boy and I were shopping at Walmart today for a new swim noodle. As we walked down one of the main thoroughfares, I noticed a 30 ish woman in front of us wearing a black tunic top that fell just below her hips, and no pants. It took me a second to register what I was seeing. What I was seeing was cellulite ridden ass cheeks that maybe had swallowed a thong, but no fabric whatsoever was visible below the shirt hem.
"Avert your eyes, my boy!" I squeaked grabbing the poor child by the head and bum rushing him down a shoe aisle in order to protect him from the unholy sight. He of course had no idea what the big deal was as he hadn't noticed a thing. He just assumed I was being silly, which is not at all uncommon.
Who goes out like that? She looked a little too young to have forgotten pants and a little too old to decide it was going to be a no pants day. I say this, and criticize and poke fun, and then I think back to one of my own fashion faux pas which led to me taking advantage of Nordstrom's free delivery of purchases within downtown Seattle.
I was thirty years old at the time. Young enough to still be cute and able to wear just about anything. I was also 6 months pregnant with my first child. Some months earlier, I eagerly went shopping for maternity clothes. I found the cutest little black mini-dress with white piping around the neckline. It was adorable. I couldn't wait to start showing in order to wear it. (Some of you by now can see where this is going.) A morning finally came where I could no longer zip up my pre-pregnancy skirts, so I finally donned the darling mini-dress. I paired it with black maternity tights and shoes with a sensible two inch heel.
We didn't have a full length mirror at home, but no worries, I knew from the waist up I looked fine that day. I drove to the park and ride, waited for the bus outside, rode the bus into the city, and walked up two very steep hills to my office. I saw clients in the morning, I left for a coffee break at 10:00, and when I came back I went to the ladies room. After washing my hands, I turned to leave the bathroom and caught sight of myself in the full length mirror.
Why was my pretty dress so short? It barely went mid-thigh. It was nearly indecent for the workplace and there I was pregnant to top off the look. Then the realization hit me. This was not a cute mini-dress; it was in fact a shirt. I rushed back to my office and shut the door, scrambling for the phone to dial my friend Marci. I told her my dilemma, upon which she rightly responded with rolling laughter and, "They don't make mini-dresses for pregnant women, you dork!" Then she kindly clued me in to Nordstrom's free delivery policy. Less than an hour later, after a frantic call to a sales clerk in the women's department, a courier dropped off a pair of black stretch pants for me. Unfortunately, I had to do my walk of shame all the way up to the reception desk to retrieve them.
People in glass houses, ye without sin, and all that. It turns out I'm not much better than the woman today, but at least I had on underwear and tights. I take the smallest amount of pride in that.
